


Dear Sebastian, why do beginnings feel like endings?

by erialeduab



Series: Dear Sebastian [1]
Category: Gay Pirates (song)
Genre: M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-03-16
Updated: 2014-03-16
Packaged: 2018-01-15 22:59:16
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 991
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1322446
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/erialeduab/pseuds/erialeduab
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Dear Sebastian,</p><p>I didn't think your arrival would change my life in anyway. You were just a replacement, another wretched soul to add to the list of the wronged, and I was trying not to die. But it did and you weren't and I learnt that there was so much more to life than trying to survive. Our beginning was an ending for me of a life I could've lead alone. </p><p>Your love</p>
            </blockquote>





	Dear Sebastian, why do beginnings feel like endings?

Dear Sebastian,

They say that somewhere in heaven there's a place for star-crossed lovers, for the Romeos and Juliets of the world. But even a dry corner of hell together would be enough. As long as I'm with you, it doesn't really matter. Because you're my anchor. No, you're so much more than that, you're my land ahoy.

We had quite the start didn't we? You were new and unfamiliar with the inner workings of a pirate's life, living in that daydream. You really thought that you were coming home, that you'd finally fit in with the misfit toys in some foreign land far away from England's dull shores. You thought you belonged somewhere else, Sebastian, and so did I. We were both wrong, but at least I had you.

Your first day, I thought they weren't going to let you come aboard. You were too small, with that satchel stuffed to the brim with your precious, tattered books. You read too much, and I loved you for it. I was selfish. You looked so lovely in your little black boots, unaware, so blissfully ignorant. I wish I'd confronted you then, warned you, we could have jumped off that ship together and run far away from all this pain and suffering.

That night I stayed up, expecting the others to carry you in any moment. You were new and interesting, fresh. Meat that could be beaten, bloodied, bruised. They dumped you like so many sacks of flour, right there, right in front of my hammock. It killed me, Sebastian. When I came towards you, you whispered something, and I didn't understand a word you were saying. Later I realised you were quoting Shakespeare, how apt for a night like that. You saved me that night, in so many ways. The boy who you replaced had died, walked the plank somewhere between the last port and this one of his own accord, with a chain wrapped around his waist. But it was them Sebastian, it was always them. That poor boy's blood was on their hands, and god knows how many more. I was spared some of it, and back then I still thought my survival was a testament to my resilience. It wasn't, by the way. I was just waiting for something to happen. And that something, of course, was you. My luck didn't last once they found out, but by then I had you.

When they put us on watch, night after night, just because they could I would've frozen without you. There were no choices - you either joined them or suffered. They'd send me alone first, and have their way with you before shoving out there in the cold. Later on they'd do it on purpose of course, knowing the pain it caused me. I tried to be your rock Sebastian. There was that one quiet night, early on, rare in that torrent of the wind that kept us slaves. Remember how we huddled together at the bow, on the netting under the jib boom, after everybody else had gone under? We stayed there all night watching the stars, marvelling at the fact that something so beautiful could overlook so much suffering. I told you everything was going to be okay, and you showed me Orion's Belt. How did you know so much my love? So many constellations and hours later we fell asleep under those very stars, you in my arms, temporarily invisible. There was that rush of fear, waking up to the feeling of weightlessness just before sunrise. I thought I was dreaming Sebastian, to have you so close, away from them. I wanted us to stay like that forever, safe and comfortable, alone from the world and all its treachery. Look at that, I'm talking like you now, my words seem to paint such a pretty picture in my head, romanticise the whole experience. That's how you survived isn't it Sebastian? By escaping into words and stories, going somewhere far away in that beautiful mind of yours. 

But I don't want to remember the bad things, we've both had more than we could ever have deserved. It was daybreak and they were coming, and if they saw us together - I could never even finish that thought, didn't want it to come true, but I guess that someone else wrote our ending for us my love. Remember that candle stub you'd brought with you? I still don't know what you were thinking my love, any other life would be better than a pirates'. The one we'd light on the bad nights, the really bad ones, just to feel something other than the cold, damp hammocks.

One more memory Sebastian, just one more for now. That beautiful summer night in Belize. You asked me to dinner, I remember, and we were off before the ship even docked, running as if we were never coming back. We just kept running until there were no more people, no lights or sounds or distractions. You pushed me and I pushed back and before I knew it we were rolling down a hill (where did it even come from?) All I could think was that I had you. We both laid down on the grass and looked up at the stars, they looked to me the same for all the miles we had travelled. And I looked over and there you were, so close, looking at me like we had all the time in the world. You looked so peaceful Sebastian, and I touched your cheek and I just wanted to stay like this, just wanted to stare into your eyes and know you felt the same way. Forget about them, forget about the ship. Just you and me. And then you kissed me. A lingering kiss, soft and gentle. For the first time, I felt truly safe. We thought we had nothing and everything and we were so naive.

Yours always.

**Author's Note:**

> This is the first in a series of letters, to Sebastian from the narrator, recounting their story as a sort of goodbye, if they'd had the chance.


End file.
